“I am not with you”: excerpt from the book on how to get out of unhealthy attachment by Marina Gogueva

If you understand the issue of emotional dependence you will not be able to confuse it with love. Where did the confusion come from? It arose from the substitution of concepts in television series, books and talk shows. They do not show healthy intimacy and proper love, because no one will see this. Well, people live, communicate with each other, support each other, respect each other, respect personal boundaries.

Boredom, no drama. To keep the viewer glued to the television or a book, emotional changes, adventures, ups and downs are needed. So it seems that the roller coaster is true love.

“It’s like fire and ice when you love and fear a person at the same time. […] When they tell you that this is love,” actress Elena Proklova said in an interview. She described a codependent relationship with sexual coercion. She observes that there is a contradiction here: you love and you are afraid at the same time. Close relationships do not imply such behavior. On the contrary, we must feel open and safe in them. In true intimacy, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable while also having confidence that your vulnerability will be treated with care. There is no room for fear of your partner.

It’s normal to feel angry sometimes. For example, about the fact that your partner forgot to stop by the store, even though you asked him to. You are angry about this situation.

Not to the entire partner, not to yourself because of the relationship with him, but to this specific act. This is good. And “I love and hate at the same time” or “I hate, but I can’t live without it” already seems like codependency.

There is always drama in codependent relationships. Remember the song by Irina Dubtsova: “I will follow him to heaven. I will fall into the abyss after him. I’m behind him, I’m sorry, pride…” Well, people do not live in peace: now towards heaven, now towards the abyss, now we must overcome pride or principles; After all, for the sake of true love, you don’t feel sorry for anything! And these are clear signs of an unhealthy attachment. Ups and downs, emotional changes, today we love each other, tomorrow we take our suitcases out the door.

“We have always had a passionate relationship. We could break dishes and then repair a broken rented apartment,” Agata Muceniece said. The famous actress also fell into the trap of substituting concepts. He calls aggression passion and codependent zigzags (we break plates and can’t get enough of each other) love.

But this is not enough for codependent drama. Sacrifice is definitely required. Overcome norms and values, leave your career for the peace of your loved one, give up your style of dress, don’t meet with friends, change your musical preferences or your hairstyle.

Young girls often write about it on social media like this: “I decided to grow bangs because HE wanted them that way!” And only from the many heart emojis do we understand that this is not coercion, but love. More precisely, the illusion of love. In this illusion, control and disrespect for personal boundaries are seen as emphasizing importance. For example, Agata Muceniece perceived her husband’s comments about her revealing clothing as: “I’m beautiful, he’s jealous of me.”

After the emotional zigzags, the process of sacrificing individuality “for love” begins. A very paradoxical activity. Imagine that you come to a cafeteria and, for the love of meatballs, you order oatmeal with water. Strange, isn’t it? It’s the same in relationships.

If you sacrifice your individuality for love, become a different person, then your partner abandons the relationship, since he once fell in love with someone who is not you and is not interested in the new version of you. Or, having changed, you will not be happy with yourself, because you are not yourself, but a parody of yourself. And every day you will have to deceive yourself: convince yourself that you like yourself, that you are happy with your new life, that the friends they impose on you are nothing either. This is a direct path to long-term psychotherapy. But we will examine this in detail later using the example of the movie “The Naked Truth.”

You may be wondering, “Well, how can you not change for love?” Very simple. If you really like yourself and your partner, then there will be no conflict. If you like yourself, but your partner does not need you at all, but the image that he has created for himself and is trying to fit you into it, then these are not changes for love. This is playing a role in someone else’s work.

It’s logical to assume that once you get tired of being a parody of yourself, the relationship will end. But not codependency. Because acting has two sides.

Not only are you an actress in someone else’s play, but your partner also plays a role on your stage. As Daria Poverennova said about her affair with Valery Nikolaev: “I created an idol for myself, I put him on a pedestal.”

There is little reality in codependent relationships. The partner is idealized, he is the best and only. “If it’s not him, then no one else is needed.” There will never be such love with anyone else! And even if a person is aggressive, cruel or jealous, the ideal image will not be affected.

Rather, the girl will begin to think that it is her fault for bringing down the saint. She will never admit that this is not love, but an unhealthy relationship.

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